Samantha Heuwagen and I have launched a new YouTube channel solely dedicated to Spilling Tea w/ Samantha & Dr. B! Click here to visit - and subscribe!!!
.. and to make things even MORE crazy - we also uploaded a new video! Episode 4: Sexism (again) and Another Q&A is now available! The good news just never ends today! :) Watch our new episode below, like and subscribe!!
I hope you enjoyed it! If you have any burning sex questions you'd like to get checked out, send them our way - we also have an email address, firstname.lastname@example.org - feel free to send the our way!
First of all - congratulations on knowing who you are! I have no idea where you are in your life, but at least knowing to yourself what your sexual identity is (as of right now) is a HUGE step, and a major accomplishment. That should be the first thing you are proud of! So many people go through life so confused and re/oppressed about who they are that they never fully realize what and who they can be.
As for telling your parents and friends… that’s always a doozy. Some people lose friends by coming out, and sometimes people have very bad experiences when telling their parents; I hope this doesn’t happen to you. We’ve all heard the video/audio from the man in Kennesaw, GA when his family tried to have a “pray the gay away” intervention with him - which ended terribly. However, there are also all the wonderful stories of immediate acceptance and true support that are plentiful with simple searches online…. But for you - I think the first thing you should do is “arm” yourself by considering the people you want to tell - what do you think their reaction will be, honestly and objectively? Will they want to learn more? Will they have a ton of questions for you? Will they want to research on their own? What should you have ready for them? Consider having books and resources at the ready. A great option for parents to read would be “Always my Child” by Kevin Jennings; this book doesn’t really cover pansexuality - but it’s a start!
Rather shockingly, there is no (that I could find) national pansexual-specific awareness/education/advocacy group. However, you could get some information from many of the bisexual advocacy groups who have become rather pan-friendly in recent years.
The main advice I have to give is this - be yourself, and be ready to answer a bunch of questions. Don’t hold back, but don’t negate or denigrate yourself for others. It is hopeful that your family will accept you, and that your true friends will remain. If they don’t - maybe they weren’t meant to be in your life right now.
As for gathering the courage to come out… maybe try some of these things:
This is all just one step in the giant labyrinth of coming out - a process that lasts your whole life. However, the first time is a big deal, and one that you never have to (get to) do again, so at there’s that.
#Sex+Q&A is an every so often addition to the SexTime blog - where I answer your questions about sex and sexuality! Below are the latest additions!
That’s it for this edition of SexTime SEX+Q&A - consider submitting your own questions, and have them answered by a sex therapist!
Our first Q&A is going to be a juicy one! Be warned. Obviously, this post is NSFW... depending on where you work! ;-) ... and 18+... And... on with the show!
Are penis pumps safe to use? ~Concerned in Alabama
Not really. Penis pumps can be helpful when prescribed by a doctor as a treatment possibility for erectile dysfunction, but in general use - can cause more damage than be helpful. Penis pumps work by creating a vacuum, and drawing blood into the erectile tissue in the shaft of the penis. This causes an erection-like side effect, which can last for a short period or a longer period, depending on arousal states. However, many men try and use penis pumps to lengthen or increase the width of the penis. When using a penis pump for this purpose, often, a male will 'over pump' his penis, which could lead to long-term effects such as erectile dysfunction and emergency situations including a rupture of the tissue needing immediate medical care. Either way, the penis never truly increases in size over time, and even if it did - it would be a minor amount.
Can you put fruit in the vagina & lick/suck it out without it getting stuck in there? ~Adventurous
In the purest answer to your question - maybe. However, I would not recommend it! Fruit is most often prepared by cutting into smaller pieces, which can get stuck - and have to get fished out with a finger or object. Plus you should be very concerned when using fruit on such a sensitive area of your body. Most fruit have significant amounts of bacteria and even possible disease on its rind that even washing may not get rid of. This may lead to urinary tract infections and possible worse conditions. If you are going to play with fruits - and veggies - the safest bet is to always put it in a condom first!
Is anal sex dangerous? if not, how can it be safe? ~Mr. Bottom
Anal sex is one of the more dangerous forms of sexual expression (due to the higher rates of infection transmission). However, it can be a truly enjoyable sexual experience with a trusted partner, and many people find it preferable to other forms of sexual activity! The best way to practice anal sex is to always use a condom when engaging in anal play, and be sure to use an adequate amount of lube. Further, you should always spend time with your anus before you engage in receiving activity. :) This includes, cleaning the area thoroughly, lubing up inside and out, and massaging the muscles surrounding your anus so they are more relaxed to enjoy the experience. The best kind of lube would be one that is designed for anal sex, and one that is water-based. Most water-based lubes will last longer before needing additional application and will be less likely to stain any fabrics. In addition, it works best with condoms and latex materials (toys).
Check out the Wet website here, for where to buy and more information on this product.
I really want to try role play but my partner seems embarrassed by the idea and shoots down the suggestion every time I bring it up. How can I warm her up to the idea? ~Corral
This is a common question, believe it or not! In many relationships, one partner is a bit more sexually adventurous than the other, which can lead to a disconnect in the bedroom. One of the first things you will need to do is get used to the idea that you will not be able to do anything that both partners do not want to do! There isn't a magic formula to convince a partner to role play in their bedroom. However, here are some suggestions that may help...
Also, recent research shows that people are more open about their sexuality while they are in heightened states of sexual arousal. The next time your partner is about to climax, or is getting close... suggest maybe trying something new next time, like role play!
That's it for this Q&A! If you have any questions you would like answered - submit via the sex+ Q&A submission box to the right! Do you agree? Disagree? Let me know in comments!
This page is a blog and repository of Dr. B - a sex therapist, educator, researcher, activist and speaker. Interested in all things sexual, social justice, LGBTQQIA+, and mental health.