We all get busy. (*Bah-dum-tiss!* Talk about a double entendre! Oh, I crack myself up sometimes...) And often, it leads to a sacrifice of one of our best stress-relievers; SEX! Many couples and individuals say, "I just can't find the time... When am I supposed to have sex with my [partner(s)]?" - My answer: Um, duh, whenever you can.
The connection between partners through having sex is so very important. It should never be neglected. Research shows that partners who have sex more frequently are happier and lead less stress-filled lives. They are able to cope with new difficulties with ease, and generally have higher overall levels of life satisfaction.
I know some of you are thinking, but, really - I don't have time. We have different schedules... we barely see each other as it is! This means it's time to make some hard or difficult decisions. This is more than about sex - this is about your life and your relationship. You have to make your relationship your top-most priority. The happiest, most successful people put their relationships first. Your career, (other)family, friends, they all come after your partnership. Here are some ideas to re-connect and re-prioritize your relationship:
Once your partnership is reprioritized, sex, attraction, and desire should readily follow. If you try some of these options, or something that should be bringing you closer, and it's not working or there are continued problems - consider seeking out a couple therapist.
What other things do you and your partner do to re-connect (emotionally, or sexually)? Let me know in the comments!
Kanye West recently denied having ex-lover Amber Rose play with his booty - What's so wrong with a little Anal Play?
Anal sex, and anal play - regardless of sexual orientation - can be a pleasurable experience for many people (as long as it's consensual and done well)! What's with the hang-ups about wanting to, or having experience, a little booty action? I think many men are so 'turned off' by the idea of anal play simply due to it's association with "gayness," or somehow "being less masculine." Bullarky!
Kanye had a real opportunity here, he could have used his influence and popularity to increase sex positivity and knowledge around sexual expression; however he chose the gendered stereotypical path of socially accepted the 'macho man.' There is nothing wrong with experiencing pleasure by playing with your butt. Anal play does not many anyone less of a "man" or somehow "less than" anyone else. Too bad Kanye doesn't see it that way.
If you are interested in anal play - here are a few tips:
Hope you enjoy some anal play and fun - leave your hang-ups at the door and try something new!
Working out releases all kinds of happy hormones, like endorphins - which increase happiness and libido… So, why not have sex at the gym, right? -Where all this goodness is happening. Well, at least 25% of you “gym people” are already doing it.
Online magazine from the UK, Independent has recently conducted a survey of workout-ers, and found that 82% of people use dating apps during their workout, trying to find a partner. In addition, 50% actively pursue connections with others at the gym.
Believe it or not - 20% of people have had sex with their trainers as well! I swear, it’s not a pornographic film plot - this is real life people. 10% of all people bring condoms to the gym, just in case.
Even with all this sex happening at the gym, there are also many benefits to working out in general for your sex life. Squats can help with the specific muscles used for stand-up and doggy style sex, allowing for longer activities; and in recent studies 45% of women report better orgasms with their partner when they have lifted ~10lb weights for 15 minutes a day.
All this sex and sexuality encourages many people to work out even more; and can make our lives better overall. A healthier body means a healthier sexuality. Get out there and get them endorphins flowing!
I get this question - literally - every single time I tell someone what I do. Usually coupled with an incredulous look… and some sideways comments about how they don’t know how I can do it with that many people. Simple: I don’t! Sex Therapists DO NOT have sex with, or watch the sex of, their clients. At least, the ethical ones don’t. Sidebar; if you are having sex with your sex therapist, you should probably tell an adult…. AKA the state board of your US State or Jurisdiction… or their national organization… or the cops. Or someone. Anyone.
So what DOES a sex therapist do? They help people, of course. Just like regular couple and family therapists, counselors, psychologists, and social workers. As a matter of fact, they must be licensed as one of these mental health professionals if they are providing psychotherapy services. A typically well accepted definition of what sex therapy can be summarized as follows;
A mental health therapist who provides systemic and contextual psychotherapy services to individuals, couples, families, or groups of people who are suffering from psychological, medical, or social issues of sexuality; including the diagnosis and treatment of these conditions within the scope of their practice.
This definition is rather vague - and so I would continue the discussion by helping people to understand what happens in a typical session, or during treatment. Now… I should warn you. As an educator, and sex therapist, I would LOVE to go into a lengthy discussion of the history of sexology, and will - given the opportunity. However, I am pretty sure you just want a summary of what happens in a sex therapy session. Right? (say no! say no! - tell me to tell you all about the history of sex!… no takers? ok…)
What generally happens in a sex therapy case…
The case will generally start off just like any other, an “intake” session with a general get-to-know you, the establishment of your file through signing consent documents and asking you specific questions, maybe asking you to take some questionnaires, etc. Then you get to tell your therapist all about what is going on in your life that has brought you to therapy. They formulate - usually with you - a way to attack your problem and remove it from your life. Sometimes this means integrating with other helping professionals, such as physical therapists or medical doctors for prescription treatment or general health and wellness checks. Generally, a good sex therapist has certifications or experiential and educational credentials that allows them to practice and intervene with you and your partner(s) about your sexual difficulties.
There are many different kinds of intervention strategies - psychological, behavioral, medical, and social are among the most popular. Your therapist has training in each of these areas, and should help you to improve your situation and context by interweaving each of them to create the ideal outcome.
Therapy is considered complete when your difficulty is no longer present (or has become manageable), in any area of your life.
What does a sex therapist help with? … Basically everything! Here is an aggregate list of some of the most common presenting problems;
Often these symptoms develop as part of relationship, and so relational work occurs conjointly with sex therapy. It often works better that way as well.
All this having been said… if any of you are in the Atlanta, GA area and are in need of a sex positive, LGBTQ+ Certified Affirmative, Sex Therapist - give me a call or contact me to set up an appointment. [Check out my website for details :-P ]
As a sex therapist and educator, one of the number one questions I get - from both men and women - is, “Does size really matter?” Well, surprisingly - the answer is actually quite complicated and not simply a YES or NO. I’ll try and answer in quickly. Let’s break it down…
When it DOES matter…
In your mind… based on non-experience, and perceptions of what a penis should look like - usually based on sexual myths propagated by pornography or discussions with your peers. Visually, a larger, thicker, more ‘impressive’ penis will be more enticing and thrilling to consider. This can lead to more sexual excitement, and confidence of the person with the penis…
When it DOESN’T MATTER…
Basically the rest of the time. After the visual presentation of the penis is complete, and the physical sexual activities begin, penis size begins to take on a whole new meaning - one that may be unexpected.
In meta-analytic studies, the average American penis measures in around 4.5-5.5 inches in length, and around 1.5 inches in circumference (through the middle, about 3.5-4 inches in diameter around).
Smaller-to-average size penises (in length) actually have an advantage in the physical aspect of having sex with other men and women. Within the vagina, the first 1/3 - roughly about the first 2-4 inches depending on arousal - house the vast majority of all nerve endings. As such, a penis that is consistently stimulating this part of the vagina will have a much higher likelihood of causing intravaginal orgasms (which are really the same as clitoral orgasms, but that is another post…). In addition, the likelihood of a typical penis reaching the back of the vagina - and subsequently punching the cervix - is quite low. This leads to increased pleasure on the part of the female partner receiving.
Penis size may seem as though it is very important in the gay male community - I hear constantly about ‘size queens’ and have almost daily conversations about partner’s penis’ with gay friends, but in reality there is a growing movement called a ‘boyfriend penis.’ This boyfriend penis (BP) is the penis (size/shape/etc) that you prefer for comfort and longevity in sexual relations - not the one-night stands or crazy hookups. What’s interesting is a BP is typically a smaller-to-average penis, not one of those crazy penises you see in porn or advertisements. Just as you would expect - this BP is for comfort in sexual activity.
So, the moral of this story is, a LARGE penis >5.5 inches is great for excitement and visuals… but could lead to more difficulty in the bedroom; while a smaller-to-average penis will provide much more pleasure. — Time to worry less about the size of your penis, and to figure out and learn more about what to do with your penis!
Interested in finding out how YOU stack up? It’s easy to measure your penis - and most men admit to having measured their penis (repeatedly, in most cases); however most have done it incorrectly. To gain an accurate representation of your erect penis length, take a stiff (heh heh) ruler and place one end ON TOP of your erect penis, right up against your pelvic bone, and measure to the tip of the penis. To measure girth, use a flexible measuring tape and pick the widest part (not the head of the penis, in the shaft) - typically the middle… and measure around. Voilà, you have your measurements! I would recommend taking them multiple times, however, as your numbers can change with age, diet, blood pressure, and health.
So… what do you think? How much does penis size matter to you?
This page is a blog and repository of Dr. B - a sex therapist, educator, researcher, activist and speaker. Interested in all things sexual, social justice, LGBTQQIA+, and mental health.